So Much

It's a new year. The busiest of Christmas has passed, trees have been thrown away (which is why I don't like real trees.... it just seems so wasteful and sad to me that a tree that lived in one's home ends up on the curb a few weeks later) or put away. The holiday season is already a distant memory. People have made resolutions. Life is rolling on.

Mine too. I'm in a season where I'm learning and thinking about so much. Here are some of the many things on my mind of late:

The value of living boldly, deciding it's just time to be done with past fears, old doubts, long-lasting insecurities.

What it means to not walk through life alone... whether or not I ever wear a ring to show I "belong" to someone.

How to have courage in sharing deep thoughts and feelings and questions, whether or not I'm asked.

That I'm not entitled to information about things that change at work, or, more importantly, in God's plan for my life. It's my job to trust, not to know.

That I'm not always someone who knows exactly what I think or feel right away like I've always thought - especially if I get surprising news at work. Then, I'm in work mode, where I'm adept at being calm (for the most part). When I get home, that's when my feelings make themselves known.

How much in need of grace every single person is... even the ones I've cast as the "bad guys" in the stories I hear or in the lives of those I love.

To not forget those other names of our enemy. The condemner of the saints. The accuser. he (I never give him the respect of capitalizing his name) is forever fueled by his anger, which, as my pastor says, is an angry reaction to the great glory of God. It's him who adds his own angry fuel to my own self-condemnation.

That I don't need to always expect failure of myself. That I can even set a goal, tell people about it, and not doubt that I can meet it.

That John 8:32 does not say, "... and your behavior/work evaluation/perfect body/bank account/others' opinions/right answers/marital status/right choices in life/fill in the blank will make you free." And amen to THAT.

Going to bed early, even when I don't feel like it, helps me get up closer to on time for work the next day.

That my church is worth it to me to sacrifice sleep to attend on a Sunday morning if I can't go on Saturday night.

That it's okay to switch churches sometimes because being a member of a church you attend (very) inconsistently profits you nothing.

How to not share everything I'm thinking and how not to need people to know I'm right.

That I am, in fact, capable of meal-planning.

The lesson of continuing to strive for financial responsibility, which just DOES NOT look the same for any two people and which will just NEVER EVER bring me the peace and freedom I dupe myself into thinking it will. Only Christ offers that. At the end of the day, here's the cold, hard truth (brace yourself): it's JUST money. God uses it in different ways for different people. Those who have it in abundance are perhaps learning to be generous. Those who have it minimally may be learning the same thing. In both cases, I suspect each group (and any group in between) is invited to learn how to live life without using money to buy, trade for, secure, or guarantee hope and security.