Chariots and Horses

If I had to pick two things to put my trust in, I probably wouldn't chose chariots or horses. However, the verse Psalm 20:7 always finds a way to make me consider where I'm putting my trust. It reads, "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

While I may not put my trust in chariots or horses, I do put my trust in other things.

Finances

Friends' opinions

My own knowledge

My plans

My perspective

Others' experiences

Recently, there was a hail storm in Cedarville that accompanied a tornado watch. I spent it huddled in my bathroom, having no basement in which to take shelter. I came out and saw a lot of hail but not a lot of damage. About a month later, through a series of events, I enlisted the help of my amazing neighbor Mike to walk around my house with me, pointing out the damage to my roof, attic vents, siding, downspouts, gutters, and even my window screens! I had an estimate done with a local contractor, recommended by Mike, and found I have $15,100 of damage to the house. I need a new roof, new siding, new gutters and downspouts, a new shed, new fascia (the metal that lines the gutters or ends of rafters outside the house, usually going up to the peak of the roof), and new window screens. I'm now waiting to get the insurance inspector's report and hear back from my insurance claim adjustor about what my insurance will cover.

I am fearful about this process. I'm afraid it will be hard, it will be stressful, I'll be left financially paralyzed, etc. Perhaps more frustratingly, I'm putting my trust in many of the things I mentioned above. I've been asking lots of questions, both to myself in my head and out loud to others.

"Do you think the insurance company will cover all the work that needs done?"

"Do you think I'll be able to replace all my siding, or will I only be able to replace two sides?"

"What if I have to fight the insurance company to get the work done?"

"Will God really bless me so abundantly to not just fix the damage but replace the damaged areas? Isn't that too good to be true?"

"What if...?"

"What about...?"

"Do you think...?"

On a recent day where I had a few things not go as planned, I found myself asking a question I don't ask God very often: "What are you doing?" I'm generally pretty good at recognizing He's infinitely better at choosing how my life should play out than I am. (We should definitely give glory to God about that since most of you know I'm not generally one to take, "Because I said so" as an acceptable answer. ;))

I was met by a gentle but pointed response: What are YOU doing? God reminded me that I was not trusting Him. I was getting worked up about a bunch of little things.

The image that came to mind was like the one above. I saw myself juggling an armful of stones like this. On its own, one of these stones would be, as Hannah says, "easy-peasy" to carry around. But I end up collecting an armful of them and trying to jog with them. They rotate, they shift, and they generally become unmanageable. God was reminding me that I was carrying too much and trying to press on without Him instead of dropping these stones at His feet.

That lesson stuck for a few days - praise be to God!

Unfortunately, I've been tripped up by the comparison and reassurances game again. I've compared how my process with my house is unfolding compared with how it has unfolded for my neighbors. But even if all of my neighbors get all their repairs paid for in full by their insurance companies (and you should see my neighborhood - almost everyone is getting something done; it looks like a construction zone around here), that means nothing about what will happen to me.

I've also asked my trusted friends and family, people I feel safe enough with to let see the intensity of my anxiety, to show them my pessimism, and who know me well enough to know how best to comfort me. The thing is, I've been reassured by all of them! But it's not enough. Their opinions, my neighbors' experiences, have become the chariots and horses in my life.

It's normal to have questions and anxiety when faced with times like these. I don't think God faults us for the fear we feel initially. After all, Psalm 94:18-19 does say, "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." [Sidenote: the NASB version reads "when my anxious thoughts multiply within me..." I think that's a great depiction of how anxiety, like bacteria, can multiply faster than we expect.]

The problem, however, is letting that anxiety overtake me. And I'm pretty amazing at doing that, in this situation and in countless others. So, I come up with ways to deal with my anxiety. One of those ways this time has been asking for more reassurance. But that's like what happened to my friend Susan when she came to visit a few years ago. She slept on a blow-up bed in my living room. Little did we know, it had a small slit in the side, and when we woke up in the morning, she was virtually lying on the floor! It had slowly deflated overnight, so gradually that it was undetectable to her while she slept on it. To use it again the next night, we could have reinflated it. But the best fix would have been patching the slit in the material.

My reaction to the house situation has involved reinflating the damaged approach I'm taking: I put a large portion of my trust in what others say, feeling safer and more secure from impending trouble. Not surprisingly, the boost their words gives me eventually wears off. That means I have to go back and ask for more.

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly" (Proverbs 26:11). Sound familiar? I repeat my folly when I expect others' reassurances, or my savings account, or my plans, to guarantee me safety from heartache or trials. What's more, this becomes cyclical: I ask for reassurance, I feel better, I have a new anxiety or worry, I ask for more reassurance, I feel better, I need more reassurance.... You get the point.

I've chosen to opt not to worry about the future in the past week after the Lord asked me what I was doing (thanks, Lord, for the reminder that I was getting a little too "big for my britches" by calling You out). It worked well and brought me the peace I want, but when the inspector came yesterday, he brought with him an unwelcome passenger: the chance to throw aside this lesson and give my fears free reign again.

So, as of last night, I'm starting again. I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord. Even if this house situation is stressful, financially burdensome, blows up in my face, or goes better than I expect, God's ways really are higher than my own (Isaiah 55). I don't know how He'll work, but I can and SHOULD put my trust in the fact He knows what He's doing. He has the greater, wider, and deeper perspective; mine is nearly completely blinded by my fear and by the lies I so quickly believe about my God and my "luck" in situations like this. What's TRUE is that God has provided for me more times than I can count or even remember. What's NOT true is that these situations are always harder for me than for others. I have nothing to base that on, after all; I've never been a homeowner with hail damage before. And I belong to a God "who works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). It might not end up looking like how I'd design it to look, but it will be shaped into the way that best grows me into Christlikeness and brings God glory.

My fear is that this will be a hard process, that it will be stressful. As my wise and patient best friend told me, my reaction has the greatest chance to make it hard and stressful. The easy process that I'm longing for will only be found in letting this rest in God's capable hands. And that will help me live out 1 Peter 1:3-7, verses that my dear friend Jill read to me on our weekly phone date on Monday when I was battling anxiety about all of this. These verses remind us that the troubles we have in life are aimed to help us prove Christ with our faithful responses (or not). Those verses then brought to mind a favorite passage of mine, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, which talk about the light and momentary troubles we face and how temporary those are. While my housing situation is certainly unsettling and a temptation to worry myself into persistent elevated blood pressure, it is not a matter of life or death. It is temporary, and I know myself well enough to know that, should my needs get met how I want them to or not, I will be disappointed in myself later if I let myself spazz out and forget God's character now.

Until I reach the next step of this journey, aside from this blog post, my desire and goal is to lay this situation at the Lord's feet and think about other things. After all, it's summer, and I want to spend my summer trusting in the ways of a mighty God, not trusting in chariots or horses. Neither of those are guaranteed to finish the race, but God, who "...began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6.).

And THAT'S something to put my trust in!