A Hose or a Life Preserver?

In the last week, I've had the same word picture come to mind with two different clients, so I figured it was time to blog about it. :) The same root issue was present for both - having "help" extended that wasn't really helpful.

In the first case, it was academic standards from a professor that border on perfectionism, literally assigning more work than is possible to complete and expecting more knowledge to be regurgitated than is realistic. The response from the professor, upon being given feedback about how this feels, was essentially, "I'm praying for you students all the time." This was said with sort of a bewildered tone, something like, "Well, I am praying for you guys. What more can I do?!?"There was no recognition of how lowering these standards would provide relief; instead, prayers are offered to help students meet  standards that aren't meet-able.

In the second situation, the person was pushing herself to do better and better in an area without ever giving herself an opportunity to do so. In other words, she had to do things longer, and harder, and better in order to be better, and recognition of her inability to continually get closer to perfection washed away. No chance to rest or have breaks - just do, do, do.

In both cases, the same word picture came to mind:

Imagine that you're standing on the side of a deep pool of water. The pool is deep enough that you can't touch, and there's also a current, so the water is churning around you, making you tired. You've been treading water for a while, and now you're starting to struggle to keep your head above it.

Suddenly, someone comes along and notices your struggle. You feel relief as she walks closer to you, hopeful that she'll lend a helping hand. But instead of a hand outreached to help you, you're greeted by a strong stream of water. This person, instead of extending a hand, has turned a hose on you. So you've got the deep water, the strong current, and now a steady stream of water to the face. She tells you you just need to try harder, to not let the extra water get in your way but to persevere and work with all your might at not drowning. Not so helpful, right? That's the professor in this case. Help could be given, but instead, students keep drowning in more and more commands and expectations.

Maybe you don't have a person who turns a hose on you when you're struggling. That probably doesn't happen too often; thankfully, the Lord spares us from people who legitimately (if not cluelessly) make our lives harder. More commonly, though, you might encounter the person who turns their words on you as you struggle. This person may stand over you, watching you struggle, and look confused about why you're struggling. She might say, "Hey, why are you drowning over there? Why aren't you trying harder? I'm praying for you to be able to swim faster! Don't drown, now! C'mon! Oops, you're starting to sink there - kick your legs and paddle harder with your arms. That's it! No, no, don't rest - that'll do you in for sure. Swim! SWIM! And I'm praying for you to be able to stay afloat!" This is the second example - the student's command to herself for increased discipline without the counsel to herself for increased grace. This is criticism disguised as compassion.

So what's with the crazy word picture? Well, sometimes, this is the "help" we offer people. We wander over to them in their pain and make things worse. We give them more things to "do," like reading their Bibles more or praying more or trusting God more. Don't get me wrong - that is sound counsel to be sure. However, if someone is barely keeping her head above water, how will it help to heap more things to do onto her plate? Wouldn't it minister more to the drowning person by leaning down, grabbing a hand, pulling her to safe and dry land, and sitting with her as she shivers and processes how close she came to losing it? Wouldn't our presence be of greater help than our commentary?

Other times, we  use the "I"m praying for you" line without putting hands and feet to those prayers. That's like the person who doesn't turn the hose on the drowning woman but still doesn't offer much help. Again, offering prayer is such an important ministry. The Spirit prays for us; it is Christlike to imitate Him and pray for others! However, if we just pray while we watch someone struggle when we have the ability to help - to throw a life preserver, if you will - are we helping as fully as we could?

I know this analogy works when thinking about how we respond to the struggles of others; it might be less clear why I think this applies to the client who was pushing herself to unhealthy extremes. I think this applies to that type of situation - a self-hosing of sorts - because I believe we do this to ourselves sometimes. Frankly, I think we do this to ourselves often. I know I do. Instead of giving myself a break, I give myself a lecture.

"Seriously? You made a big mess of that. Don't let it happen again. Do better in the following ways..." 

"There's no reason to be feeling this way right now. Snap out of it."

"It's really pretty pathetic that you.are.a.counselor (often a death knell in my life for accepting my inability to make the right choices) and have that behavior/thought process. You should know better."

"It doesn't matter that you're working 50+ hours a week. You're single. You should have the capacity for that."

"There is no reason you should be as exhausted by that client as you are. You've had clients like that before. Try harder." 

See what I mean? In each of these situations, one part of me is tired or hurting or simply needs a break. The other side of me - the side that is too often swayed by the one who waits for a chance to pounce and pulverize - stands over the tired/hurting/needs a break part of me and heaps condemnation in the form of "speaking the truth in love." I turn a hose on my hurts, which just makes them hurt worse under the pressure of the criticism I drown myself in. "Try harder. Do more. C'mon, now, get moving! No rest for the weary. No weariness period! Pray for discipline. You can't expect God to make it all easy on you." This isn't speaking the truth in love; there's no love in that type of self-talk. In fact, I'm not sure it's always even the truth. That's just using words as weapons to browbeat myself into more and more doing with less and less being. I become my own worst helper. I don't show myself grace; I give myself grief.

If I can throw my friends life preservers when they've been treading water and are getting tired - spending time with them, sending them encouragement cards, sharing Bible verses via text and helpful blog posts via email - I need to give myself life preservers, too. Not more work. I really don't need more work. More work - a hose - comes in the form of the crazy idea I had that I should join the Big Brothers, Big Sisters organization because I should be giving back to my community (thankfully, my sister reminded me that this was insane and that, for the record, I do that already). Or the idea that I should stop taking vacations because it would be better to save all of my money (thanks to pretty much every one of my friends who reminded me that I'd be an idiot for removing a major source of self-care from my life). Instead of working every evening to make extra money, I can take a night off and watch TV or call/see a friend. I could even cancel a shift if I need a night to regroup. I can show myself kindness when I want a break by skipping Bible study if I have given all I had to give that day. I can ask for prayer for things that are bringing me pain instead of making myself deal with them inside (and in solitude). I can let myself cry in church when I feel moved instead of scolding myself for crying in public. (Ironic for a counselor? Why, yes. Yes it is.) I can seek out a friend to process things on my heart instead of thinking I'd burden her if I shared what's going on with me. I can - and should - pray for discipline, but I can also make myself my own target of grace - showing myself grace when it's needed, rather than hosing down my sometimes already-bruised self through demanding more discipline. I can remind myself that while it's Christlike to have discipline, it's just as Christlike to have grace.

I want to be a life preserver in your life. I'm sure you'd say the same for me if you've taken the time over the years to follow my humble little blog. But let's be life preservers in our own lives, too, okay? God knows we don't need more hoses.