Now... or Never?

I feel like I should publish these recent and upcoming posts with the tag "Lessons Learned from Conversations." I've got a few things rolling around in my head that I want to post about, and many of them have stemmed from talks with other people. 

As I was making dinner tonight before watching some TV (some of you will understand the meaning of that detail... ;)), I reflected on something that happened recently that didn't feel very good.

Something was said to me recently that felt judgmental and shaming in a group of people I trust and respect, whose opinions matter a lot to me. The speaker is also a person whose opinion matters to me. I felt shoved under an unwanted spotlight. It's funny - something happens to me in those situations that I decide that I am okay. 

And I really am - in that moment. 

It might sting a little, but I'm okay. However, as time passes, the sting gets more pronounced. 

It reminds me of the time I traveled to Toronto with my dear friend Jill for our college spring break. We stayed in a (tiny!) hotel room, and we planned to treat ourselves to dinner in the rotating dining room atop the CN Tower before seeing the broadway production of The Lion King. As she was curling my hair for our night on the town, I sat on the bed (because there was no way we could both fit in the bathroom - ha!). She set the curling iron down next to me (kickstand in place to avoid setting the bed on fire, people :)). I put my hands on either side of me to shift how I was sitting on the bed, and - YOWZA - felt searing heat in the palm of my hand, which I'd placed right on top of the hot curling iron.

I didn't feel the pain immediately; I was only startled by it. Jill asked if I was okay, and I laughed nervously and said, "Yeah! I'm surprised it doesn't hurt. That scared me!" In her wisdom, Jill left the room to get some ice for me. I thought that was overkill (but very sweet of her) since I really did feel fine. She was gone maybe 30 seconds, getting the ice to soothe my non-pain. By the time she returned, however, I was literally crying from the agony I was in. As Jill wrapped ice in a wash cloth and put that in my hand, I marveled at the fact that I hadn't expected it to hurt, so I was surprised she knew it would. Jill wisely (but not "I-told-you-so" wisely) said, "I thought it might end up hurting after the shock of it wore off."

That's how this moment felt, this moment when this speaker spoke the words that wounded me. It didn't hurt very much immediately - I mostly felt shocked at being "called out" within the group and concerned myself with avoiding an awkward situation that might unfold if I let my feelings show. After all, that group of people I respect was present, so everyone would have been dragged into the muck with me if I commented honestly that I felt hurt. 

When I got home, however, my feelings changed, and, boy, was the burn ever present! As that person's words followed me around my house, I realized I need to confront the situation.

(Not shockingly), I don't want to confront this. I think my reasons are typical: I don't want the other person to not take responsibility for what was said. I don't want to make things more awkward. I don't want to seem petty or to be thought of as holding a record of past wrongs. 

As I thought about my discomfort at what was said, though, I felt disappointed in myself that I failed to confront the situation. I have failed to confront other situations in the past, even with the same person who hurt me. And this made me wonder: When will I finally get brave enough to go to someone when I feel I've been wronged or sinned against instead of brushing it under the rug, leaving room for insecurity and bitterness to take root and choke the fruit of peace right out of me?

My mind wandered to someone I know, another conflict-avoider. This person is older than me and is godly, strong, intelligent, wise...  the person has many good qualities that I would be pleased to possess myself. But there's one glaring area where I don't want to follow in this person's footsteps - and this is in the area of confrontation. I thought to myself, Do I want to be that person's age, still living in fear of awkward conversations and not giving my feelings a voice? Do I still want to avoid confrontation and deal with the burden of harboring hurt or, worse, bitterness?

That was eye-opening to me. I guess I'd never thought of that way before, but how true it is. I mean, really - if I don't learn this now, when will I learn? Am I waiting for it to get easier all on its own? Am I expecting that, someday, I'll wake up confident and peaceful enough not to quiver in the face of unpleasant relational honesty? Apparently so. 

But why? Why would I think it will happen that way? Today becomes tomorrow. String enough of those together, and entire years of life pass by. If I don't start doing this now, there's a very, very little chance that I'll be better able to do it down the road. I can't keep waiting for it to be simple. It won't ever be simple. I have to learn to do it - to be honest when I've been hurt - and I have to practice trusting the Lord that, even if it doesn't go well, it can still be well with my soul because the One who cares is ever-present with me.  

I don't want to live my life going through the growing pains of adulthood and putting in the hard work to become more like Christ without growing in this area, too. I don't want to be in my 40s or 60s or 80s (if I am blessed enough to live that long) and still be afraid of others' opinions, still too fearful to be honest, even if it feels awkward to be, when someone hurts me. I am tired of listening to the lie that I'm not strong enough to handle it if I upset someone with my (prayerfully humble) honesty. By God's grace, I've overcome a lot, for crying out loud! And when I'm weak, He's strong, so it isn't left up to me to deal with the discomfort all on my own. I have a Counselor who lives very close to me (read: my heart) that is always on call and makes Himself available to me to help me through it if it goes badly. 

But - again - I'm tired of letting my fears do all the talking. I want to trust that the Lord will sustain me through confrontation. I want to find my security in Him, not in the other person being happy with me. I want to trust that relationships can handle the turbulence that being in community with other sinners can bring, to not be so afraid of the bumps I might experience to never fly at all. 

I don't want to be a slave to fear, to this one or to any other one. 

Practically speaking, that requires doing the uncomfortable thing and confronting the situation. If I want to grow in this area, I've got to take action. If I don't, I'll pass through life fearful of it. How sad that would be... reaching my twilight years, being honest only when it's easy to be. 

So, will it be now... or never? I hope it will be now. It won't be easy now. It probably won't be easy ever. But two verses come to mind: 

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor. 4:16-18)

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)