Strange feelings

This is what I started to write yesterday, and I think it's relevant to what I do 8 hours a day, so I'm continuing it tonight (Thursday).
********************************************************************
I'm experiencing a weird feeling. I guess the best way to communicate how I feel is just by saying that today, possibly more than ever before as a counselor, I feel the weight of my clients' problems. I've heard countless stories that are really terrible. In a way, little shocks me, and sometimes, the strangest things bother me (things that, under normal circumstances, seem pretty minor).

Today, the weight of those problems seems much heavier than I've ever felt. I can understand, if I felt this way everyday, why my closest friends were supportive of me going to grad school to get my master's in counseling but worried about how I'd handle the pressure. They were afraid I'd take work home with me, and I never really have on a consistent basis before. Yes, there have been days where I cried about how some child had been treated by a parent, or the shocking revelations my young clients could innocently and almost matter-of-factly make about my life in relation to their own ("Your parents never hit you? Wow, you're really lucky" - while coloring in a coloring book).

But today, it just really gets to me to heart what most of the young women I've worked with thus far have gone through. They feel that they were used up and tossed aside - and I can see why they feel that way.

This sounds strange to say, but I think the reason this is hitting me more than it ever has is because the Lord has placed me smack dab in the middle of my dream: to work with young women on issues that impact their lives while including my faith as the basis of that work. I don't mean to say that I didn't care about my clients before; that's certainly not true. I cared very, very much. But it was different. To be honest, I saw very little progress.

I can't begin to explain how much differently it feels here. The girls that come in are making progress in between sessions. They do the things I ask them to! They think about things we discuss. They ask questions. They are honest. They want to get better. It makes all the difference in the world. Progress at my last job was that a client got a D on a test rather than an F, or that my client wasn't suicidal (that day), or that another client didn't steal. And I don't mean to belittle that. That's where those clients were, and I did my best to help them. Any movement toward healthiness is progress, right? Right.

But progress here is that a female student told me the other day that, for the first time in her life, she was able to recognize that God loves her and she is a co-heir with Christ! She's been a Christian for a while, but she doubted God's unconditional love, that she was redeemed before Her father. She was able to claim that, and she rejoiced.

No comparison.

I think of my clients from my last job often. I hope they are well. It's hard not to know how these children that I invested in for 2+ years are doing and to wonder if anyone else is giving them grace and truth. In that regard, not being there isn't always easy.

In this job, my clients are facing some SERIOUS issues - as serious, if not more so in some cases, than what I've ever dealt with before. All the same stuff I saw and then some from my days at my last job. But these clients are letting me see their softy, gooey center, so-to-speak. My clients before rarely ever *really* let me in. (Most of) these clients open wide their hearts, invite me in, and listen closely to what I have to say. They know I have wisdom, which is humbling, and more importantly, they know God put them in my office to heal (which, by the way, is VASTLY more humbling to know God put them in front of ME and is asking me to help them find healing and find HIM). It hurts me when they tell me their stories mostly because they let me see that it hurts them. Most of my previous clients went to great lengths to hide their hurt, which makes it hard to know how to help, and hard to form a bond. These clients are showing me their scars, and while some stories aren't dreadful, others really, really are. These women, 10, 12, 14 years ago just wanted to be loved, have people take care of them, and feel safe. Because that didn't happen, they are STILL HURTING. I'm sure the people who hurt them didn't think about that fact (actually, I'm not, but I hope they didn't), but do we think about the little things we do that hurt the people we love? We are so thoughtless in this life, and it does so much harm. I'm as guilty of it as the people who hurt the clients I work with, and that's an ugly reality in this life.

Seeing their pain, being invited into it, is a privilege. It honestly doesn't feel like a job (most of the time :)). I know that sounds corny, but it's true. I feel like I'm just spending all my time loving others, helping them find who they are and can be in Christ, and speaking truth to them. It's incredible! I've never wanted to help as much before as I do now. I've also never been as aware that I need Christ to give me wisdom as I help them. I've always known that, but it's borne out as truth every single day here. And it's because they trust me to be relying on Him, and they believe I can help them.

They believe I can help them.

What an overwhelming (and kind of scary) vote of confidence.

But for the record, I absolutely, 1000%, unequivocally love my job. Thank you, Jesus for bringing me here and letting me do what I love. Help me to do it well.