*Sigh.*
My sister has been so supportive and encouraging and practical in helping me get used to teaching this class. She and I usually talk on the drive home, and I shared with her feeling like I am giving 100% to the class. I'm not the hardest working person in the world; in fact, I really feel like I have very little self-discipline. However, there are times in my life where something motivates me to the point that I give all I've got. I had a job like that helping low-income individuals secure necessary medications at a discounted price while I was in grad school. I gave my all to that. I feel like I give my all to my friends. I am giving all I can to this class. I still prepare about 6-8 hours on Saturdays/Sundays for the class. Unfortunately, no one can see that, and I frequently feel worried that my efforts aren't enough. Miss reminds me I have to be okay with knowing I'm giving 100% until I get back the student evaluations later this semester (and even know, knowing I'm doing what I can). Feeling like what I do isn't good enough is a frequent, chronic, unforgiving, relentless, and exhausting habit I have in regards to myself. Ironic, wouldn't you say, given that I encourage all my clients to give themselves grace?
I am so hard on myself. I have been for as long as I can remember. I so want to do a good job. I am giving myself permission to make mistakes since this is my first class, and I understand that this is not riveting material. I can't please them. I'm the teacher, yet I feel compelled to please the students. That's okay, but I need to let it go.
I do feel relieved that it's Monday night! That means no class for a week! :) Please pray that I do my best and let that be enough. Please also pray for my church attendance and quiet times (which are sporadic to say the least). I desire Christ and want to glorify Him, but I feel so often that my efforts - or lack thereof - spit in His face. Faith by works is no faith, but saying I believe it and not living that out in my daily habits isn't either. I pray sincerely for my clients; I want to pray for myself like that, to feel like I can and that God hears and loves me. Sometimes I envy my clients because they have someone who encourages them, reminds them of God's unconditional love, lets them say out loud every dark and scary fear/hurt that they have. I know I can do that with my beloved and fabulous friends and family, but I don't let myself do that because I don't want to be a burden. Isn't that silly??? We are strange and fickle creatures. I doubt God's love for me a lot of the time and feel like I'm such a difficult kid for Him. Why does He love me? Well, because He is a good God, longsuffering (right Jaimi? :)) and holy. But I often fear that God looks at me and rolls His eyes, taps His foot, sighs heavily and keeps a close eye on His watch, waiting for me to get it together. I know there's grace. My biggest problem is receiving it. I'm glad He wants to give it. I wish I could embrace it and trust it. So because I fear that He in reality can't really stand me, I hide from Him by not having quiet times or praying. I'm tired of hiding. I go through these times - I quit hiding and feel God welcoming me and seeing Him answer my prayers, but then life happens - I fall to sin, I feel overwhelmed by my sin, I get scared that my lack of growth means lack of relationship with Christ - and I hide again. Why? Why don't I just dive deeper into Him? I hate that part of me. I want to become less of me so I can become more of Him. I used to pray this all the time. I need to start praying it again. So unnecessary, and so much time lost, when I hide.
Okay, so that was deep and unplanned! This blog is good for me because I get these things out. To be honest, I often try to come back and take things out, but people have already commented (sheepish grin...). I'll probably attempt that with this post, too. We'll see if this whole thing has stuck a few days from now. :)
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:)
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