Testing or trusting?

We head to Nashville in the morning, and I was really looking forward to getting away. I still am, but I think I might be taking some stress with me. We've hit a snag in the closing, and basically the snag is involves the person at the front of the line (there are 6 houses involved in this deal, so if I'm #6, this is the house that person's house that buyer #1 is buying and moving into). That individual selling his house to buyer #1 won't move out by the date listed in his contract. I'm not sure why you'd sell a house if you didn't plan on moving out... but because he won't leave, none of the other buyers or I can move. He is not respecting his contract - a legally binding document - and eviction would take weeks, which is still beyond my timeframe. This puts when I'll move into jeopardy, and since I'm a renter and had to give notice that I was moving out, I am up against a deadline. Additionally, if I extend my lease, I'll have to pay rent and a mortgage simultaneously, which I cannot afford to do. It's been a rough evening.

My realtor, though well-meaning, is intentionally or unintentionally putting some pressure on me to make this work. If I back out, that means I've also contributed to 6 other families losing their homes. That's a lot of pressure for me. She tells me everyone is being so generous in giving up the days built into all the contracts for them to move (everyone had 2-7 days after closing - I know, weird - to move out), and each person has agreed to move in one day so that the next person can move in and vacate their house. She told me this has been done all for me since I'm renting. That IS very thoughtful, and I DO appreciate them! But those statements lead me to feel as if I'm not being flexible, when in reality, I've been very flexible! I've been ready and able to close since September 8th. The only reason we're still waiting is because of the other buyers, not me. So I feel pressure and I feel like I'm being perceived as difficult or uncompromising.

I talked things over a lot with my family, and on the way home from taking my dog to my mom to watch while I'm gone (we met in Columbus for dinner, and I got to see her and Hannah for about 2 hours), I listened to a praise and worship album by Bethany Dillon called "Imagination."

One song's lyrics include the lines

"Whatever's in front of me

Help me to sing Hallelujah"

and another one says

"All that I can do is hold onto You

And to follow where You lead

Where You're leading me

All that I can do is hold onto You

And let You bring me through

It's all that I can do".

I listened to these songs closely and tried to consider what the Lord wants me to learn from this situation. Am I supposed to be more assertive and tell my realtor I can only be flexible so much before it poses an insurmountable financial or time strain on me? Should I just grin and bear it, hoping that this guy moves out so I can move in to the house I'm buying before my lease is up and I'm literally without a place to stay or store my things? Or should I trust that the Lord has orchestrated this entire process, including the fact that I can even AFFORD this house? Since both of those songs focused on trusting that the Lord knows what He is doing, I'm leaning in that direction. On days like today, it's hard to follow the advice I give clients: Trust. Lean into the Lord. Do not plan for or worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own.

I began, also, to consider what it means to deny oneself. Does it mean denying what I want AND what seems, according to my human eyes, to make sense and relying solely on the Lord to make something happen? My high school Sunday school teacher once talked to us about faith and testing God. He used the illustration of a storm to make his point. He said that we are it is not testing God to expect that He will protect us from a lightning strike when we're in our living rooms. This doesn't mean we're guaranteed to be safe, but it means we aren't abandoning reason and the wisdom God gives us as human beings. If, on the other hand, we run around in an open field in the middle of the lightning storm, we are testing the bounds of not what God can do, but what He will do. In other words, God CAN prevent us from being struck by lightning, but He might also allow us to suffer the natural consequences of a poorly-thought-out decision. In this situation, is not doing anything - essentially sitting back and hoping for the best - testing God? Or is that trusting God?

My mind is turning over and over this whole concept about denying myself and discerning how much of this falls on me to make happen. Our department secretary reminded me today that I'm not in control of the situation regardless of when we close; closing when I want to, at the time that seems reasonable and safe to me, is as much outside of my power as a closing date that is literally after my move-out date. It's just that one is easier, feels more comfortable, and requires less faith. But neither is guaranteed. So true. So, so true. But what do I do in the meantime? Am I to solely fall on faith and trust that the Lord will work it out that I can move by my deadline (which isn't just about what I want, but about what I'm contractually obligated to do)? Or is He calling me to use my reason to ensure that steps are being taken for me to move? If I never balance my checkbook or write in what I spend, I stand a very real risk of bouncing checks, even if I'm tithing. To me, this is an example of us exercising our responsibility to make good choices and use wisdom in how we live. God COULD keep our checking account in the black, but He also could let us grow through the trial of financial hardship as the result of our unwise choices. I don't want to try to control this; after all, His ways are higher than mine. I want to leave God room plenty of work so that I can continue to see where He is working and give Him the glory. But I also have an obligation to find where He is working and join Him there (Henry Blackaby).

I feel overwhelmed. I have to decide in the next few days if I'm going to go through with this deal. In other words, I might have to back out... and not get this house. The house that seems so perfect, that the Lord has enabled me to buy, that ONLY He could have enabled me to buy. My mind is torn. I know I can completely, 100%, whole-heartedly trust Him not to overlook or miss any of the details. It's not a matter of trust. Well, maybe it is. But it feels more like a matter of finding my role in this process.

And the verse that just came to mind?

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.

Lord, I need You to speak to me, and I long to trust and obey You! Please don't let my anxious, planning-oriented, prideful, impatient spirit keep me from leaning on You. Help me relax. Equip me to do what YOU know is best, not to figure that out on my own or move forward until You've spoken and I've surrendered. Keep me focused on You and who You are, to trust Your character rather than to watch for Your actions or be distracted by finances, dates, and schedules.

These are the situations in which the Lord allows us to see and experience more of Him, and I think, too often, we just pray and then wait to see what He does. I want to see, through this situation, a better glimpse of He who is. I would so appreciate your prayers about this. I want this home, but more than that, I want to be obedient to what the Lord wills. I also want to enjoy this conference. I can learn so much as a professional and as a believer, and I want to, as my former pastor used to say, "stay soft" so I can be molded more easily into who the Lord wants me to be.